Nov 6

Written by: Nick Matteucci
Friday, November 06, 2009 2:55 PM

SEATTLE - Microsoft recently announced the general release of Microsoft Project Server (EPM) and made it immediately available to the hacker community in an effort to slow the spread of malware, viruses, and worms that affect Microsoft Windows. 

"When we were faced with a seemingly endless list of gaping holes in our software that a 10 year old with a 386 could drive a bus through we knew we were in trouble" lamented Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer at a recent RSA Data Security Conference.  "We knew we needed a holistic approach to security which consists of two main strategies - denial and marketing."  Ballmer continued, "we think our marketing campaign of trustworthiness really put a stop to many of the hackers because - let's face it - attacking someone who is trustworthy is like hitting someone with glasses, but we needed to do more."

Apparently the idea to give hackers free copies of Microsoft Project Server came from John Winston, the president of the Microsoft Project Server division.  "We were always baffled why our EPM testing team had the highest absenteeism and calls into our suicide prevention hot line," Winston pontificates.  "Then we got the idea - what if we give this thing for free to hackers as a trojan horse to 'help' them hack Windows?  It will bring the whole hacker community to their knees until we can sell it to the military for psych-ops against companies in the axis of evil!"

Wilson later recalled his briefing with Ballmer on the idea, "When I called (Steve) I told him we should give MS Project Server to hackers as that is perhaps what it is best suited for - destroying hacker productivity.  Let's just say he was a little upset at the idea but he came around to our point of view."

Ballmer recalls the meeting as well, "I really couldn't believe my ears when he (Wilson) tole me he wanted to give Microsoft Project Server for free to hackers.  I was like - you mean we have a server based project management solution?  How long have we had it?  Does any department at Microsoft use it consistently as-is?  Why is everyone laughing uncontrollably?"  Ballmer continued, "At first I was upset since we could have used some enterprise project management when we nearly blew up the company over Vista.  Then they tied my arms and legs to my chair and showed it to me and (when I convinced them I wouldn't kill them and it was safe to released me) I hugged him for not ever forcing us to use that POS."

Hackers have been able to download the software for free via various Warez sites and early reviews have been mixed.  One hacker interviewed, known only as AliceInChains123 offered this insight, "Man - one of my buddies must have really gotten to this MS Project server thing - it is infested with bugs and runs slower then my cube-mate after a box of twinkies."  When told that the software wasn't hacked and it was legitimately offered for free he relented,"man I feel sorry for these people.  This isn't even worth hacking and defacing since they did it already to themselves.  I guess if that is there new defence against hackers it is working.  I hear You can't fix stupid - and - apparently - you can't hack it either and live with yourself.  We have some self respect - you know."

This Rants and Laughs section is a satire. None of the details in this blog are real. All names are made up, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. All quotes are fictional and any similarity to actual quotes is coincidental.

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