Aug
10
Written by:
Nick Matteucci
Sunday, August 10, 2008 6:00 PM
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In recent months, an alarming number of Intuit Quickbase project management software users have become frustrated. Apparently during typical use the software stops allowing new records and locks accounts until they contact customer support and beg for more records. Initially, Quickbase apologists explained the locks were in order to keep the "Quick" in Quickbase. Now, in a stunning turn of events Quickbase has adopted the stance they are the first project management software company to go Green.
"This year we cranked up our marketing engine to position Quickbase as enterprise ready" explained Quickbase President Brad Conner while on board the company Lear Jet, "well as luck would have it some people actually believed us and the software came to a stop faster then a F16 hitting carrier arrester cable. Then we learned that our database servers run on electricity and - (laughing) wait for it - the more customer data we store, the infinitesimally more energy we use. So we are actually cutting off customers to save the planet for our kids! We are so excited we are going to do donuts in our Hummers when we land this thing!"
"We were shocked when they shut down our account without warning," said one enterprise IT customer that asked not to be mentioned. "I mean we only entered a few dozen projects when the system locked us out and said we had to call for the privilege to enter more data. We called the number listed but I think we must have mis-dialed it. When the phone picks up there is only a recording of hysterical laughing and then the machine hangs up. By the way, don't print my name or company in your report - OK. Our stock is having enough problems and it could get ugly if investors learn we picked Quickbase for enterprise project management. I need this job and momma needs a new dress."
Environmental groups were more understanding of the move and even complimented the Quickbase executives. "I would like to applaud Quickbase for being the first SaaS project management software vendor to think Green," states Greenpeace spokesperson Angela Mitchell. "By cutting off users account, frustrating them with resource management that neither tracks resources or allows better management, and with thinly integrated features we see this as a very Green move. We think the net-net will be not only less energy used by Quickbase but people will actually want to pull their plugs or even destroy their PCs, thus saving even more energy for the earth."
Independent industry analysts seemed to be straddling the fence on the move. "Well on one hand they are trying to convince people that Quickbase is an expensive and capable enterprise project management solution while at the same time punishing them for even trying to use the system," states Gartner project management analyst Ben Keller. "On the other hand they are an untapped source of revenue for us at a time when we really need the money. So if you add it all up this might cost them the 'leader' quadrant unless of course they agree to a 40 by 40 booth at our North America conference - hint hint."
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